Cosplay Confession Bear.

Heyyy y'all heyyyy!

Haha I have like 7 drafts that all start out with "I'm so sorry I haven't posted! Things have become so hectic keeping up with work and school" because..well..it's all true! But I think about what to blog about all the time so please don't think I've forgotten about you! If I weren't so swamped with art projects, papers, and working I would write more so please be patient with my posts.

Well, what I wanted to talk about today is something really personal and a little bit more serious than how I usually write I guess. If you don't remember in my previous post about Anime Expo, I like to cosplay. I've been doing it ever since I was in middle school and still have a lot improve on as a cosplayer. The next upcoming con in Southern California is Stan Lee's Comikaze and so I was really eager to dive into my next project. After the ritual of character hopping, I finally settled on two choices: Miss America Chavez of the current comic book series, Young Avengers or a USO girl from the Captain America movie.
I really wanted to cosplay Miss America the moment I bought my Young Avenger's issue #1. I remember staring at my Bryan Lee O'Malley variant cover and saying "I hope she's cool because I'd cosplay her!" And to no surprise, Miss America is one fucking badass. I actually feel like she stands for a lot of attributes that are lacking in heroines in American comics. Not only is she one of the few female heroes that isn't in a tight bodysuit  or an un-realistic, over-exposed outfit, but she is also one of the few super heroes of Hispanic decent. She has a tough exterior and a fuck-you attitude; what's not to admire about that? Plus, Young Avengers is really good series! I'm still in the middle of reading at the moment and ideally, this cosplay is a lot easier and less costly on time and money.

A USO girl is not one specific character but it's basically the dancer outfit during the traveling Captain America shows in the movie. The costume is shown above behind Chris Evans. I thought they were so cute when I first saw it in theaters and I love doing pin-up hair! Although this cosplay would have less pieces, it's pretty difficulty to make and would actually need help from my friend to make the skirt but still really cute nonetheless.

Okay, even after describing both those choices I think it's pretty clear that Miss America sounds like the better option especially with my busy schedule. But for some reason, I felt really uncomfortable that it's not a very feminine/revealing cosplay...The friend I'm going is also going to be cosplaying as Psylocke from X-Men (X-Force) and that made me feel really weird. I started debating with myself, saying "okay, if you go as Miss America, you're not gonna get as many pictures but that's okay". Then, suddenly, I just started crying... Flashbacks of my early years of cosplaying and I remember feeling so insecure and hated myself so harshly. It was a bit intense.

There are probably a good amount of articles out there about cosplay struggles because it's a hobby where someone is going to put you down for anything about you or your costume. "Too fat", "too slutty", "too dark skinned", "not even accurate", "too old" "too ugly", and the list goes on and on. I'm pretty lucky that it's been a long time since I've gotten a rude comment told to my face. I can't speak for everyone but what actually use to hurt a lot when I was younger was just that I felt like there was an unspoken competition to get the most pictures. Obviously, the better your cosplay is, the more pictures you're going to get. I hated that I put in so much time and hard work into my costumes but my friends that could pull off the skimpier cosplays got bucketloads more praise than I ever did. It sounds completely stupid. Even just writing it out feels stupid because I feel like i'm just whining over not getting enough attention but I never realized how much it actually influences me. I felt like I wasn't good enough for this group where I felt the most accepted in and that I never was going to be. What sucks even more is that no one's at fault here. It's not my friends' fault for picking those characters, they should cosplay whoever they want and show off what they got. It's not other con-goers fault for admiring, you can't just come in like a wrecking ball and force people to like you. That's just how things are.

I started feeling even worse because I felt like it was all in my head. So, I started texting one of my best friends for some support. He said that my feelings were completely understandable but also made me realize that a big part of cosplay is "pandering to the male ego". We don't want to accept it because we like to believe that we've progressed so much since the days of women being property, and we have, but there's still a lot of work to be done. Shortly after, he add that even though things are that way, it shouldn't stop me. Things can't be changed over night but he was right and I shouldn't be buying into that mainstream-patriarchy-perfectionist bullshit if I don't want to. You won't always fit into what everyone finds ideal but you have control of how you feel and what you think of yourself. You even have the control to change that parts you don't like about you.The reason why cosplayers cosplay is because you get to be whoever you want to be and that's what makes it fun. I came a long way in confidence level since those early years and it'd be a shame for me to ruin all of that just because silly comparisons. This is what should be motivating me to do better!

So with that said, I chose Miss America and have finally got all my supplies to make it. I'm also really just trying to do well in anything that I want to succeed in and change things that I'm not happy about. I hope that if anyone else in the cosplay community or any cons feels a bit less stressed after reading this because for every one person hating on your costume, there are proudly thrice as much loving it! Including me! By Saturday I shall be ready so look out for me Comikaze!!!

Finders, Keepers, Losers, Weepers.

Hello everyone. I'm writing this one on the way back from my trip up to Merced in a train and trying not to die from motion sickness as I do. I love you all so much though I know I just need to post something up for the week!

Traveling is so fun and this was just what I needed I think after one draining, exhausting week. Not only did I work consecutively for a week straight until this past Friday, but a lot of people I kept close to my heart had to shove in my face that they don't want to be a part of my life anymore. I know they say people come and go in your life but I genuinely was expecting these certain friendships to actually last forever. They all left for their own different reasons but it all still hurt very deeply. The ironic part of it all is that many of other close family and friends have told me to detach myself from these people many times before too. I stayed regardless because I just never believed in walking out of people's lives when you love them especially when they need you the most.


(Talk shit all you want on Miley, I'm indifferent to her but you know this line got you...anyways...)

I'm still trying to let go of everything but it's a very difficult process where only time can tell when you're better. I mean I always believed that when there is love, you do not give up and that goes for any kind of relationship even these friendships. We have to understand though that love is need to happen from two people in order to work.

Although these people and I have a lot of good memories together it is time to move on. The great, Bob Marley once said, "everyone is going to hurt you, you just have to figure out who is worth suffering for".
It's all a learning process really. You see, we're human. Our actions cause pain sometimes, whether it's unintentional or not. Pain is what helps up become better people though. How do you expect to grow if you don't go through struggle first? I think I realized with these relationships, we weren't helping each other...I mean I thought we were and I tried I would like to say but we really weren't. We were just people hurting each other.

What bothers me the most is that they walked out on me because I was causing them pain and I really didn't even know it. From my perspective, I feel like I woke up one day and couldn't find these people anymore. Well, one of them did tell me why and even though I can understand where they're coming from, it still feels all unfair in the end. You feel like whatever reason they have for leaving wouldn't compare to the lists of reasons you've held back on to leave them, yet you stayed. You understood that humans make mistakes and they can be forgiven as many times as you want. I just wish that mine would have been forgiven too on the same understanding that I'm flawed and there's more fucking up to  come in my life. It's important to remember, however, there are people who will put up with your imperfections, forgive you countlessly, and never give up on trying to help you grow. These people are keepers. They aren't perfect either but they sure as hell are the ones worth holding on to in your life. Then there are those people that treated you as an inconvenience in their life and left, they are losers. They lost you. My best friend Ally once told me that you have to remember that these people are losing something in their life when they left because you are fucking unique and amazing and there's no way they can replace someone like you in their lives and the same goes for you. Their time on your journey may be over for now and it's life or God or the Great Cosmic Owl or whatever you believe in taking out some of the things causing you pain so you can now push yourself to become a better person than you were before. This is all really important to remember because sometimes when people don't, they lose themselves and that's a hell that hard to break away from.

So please do not give up on yourself either! You have the power to let go of those who've done you dirty too and you can even be stronger by forgiving them. I know it's definitely harder than it sounds but it's not impossible. It's the best you can do for yourself too. You have so much to be proud of and so much potentional to find your happiness so keep chasing your dreams, be thankful for the people and things in your life, and work hard to inspire those losers and prove them wrong at the time. Be sad for a bit but don't stop having fun, and, of course, smile! Because you deserve to.

Let go, Be happy.

Here's a page from The Art of Letting Go to end this post. YAAH END READING WITH MORE READING. 

Limited 2.

Oh my poor neglected readers, how I've missed you so. I don't have any updates on my laptop charger so please bare with me popping out posts randomly for now. I have like 3 drafts on other blog topics  like going to protests, cosplay controversies, and those darn con reviews that don't seem to be happening....but yeah all that's going on in my drive but today I thought I'd just actually blog about how I'm doing instead. Hope I won't be a bore to you all!

Today was actually calm and relaxing (which is how I'm having time to write this) but as I was being very lazy I got into some pretty Carrie Bradshaw kind of thinking....

So if you couldn't figure out from my last post, I ended my "non-official-yet-pretty-intimate kind" of relationship recently and it's been a couple of weeks since the legitimate "break up". I feel pretty okay as of now. In efforts to try to speed up the recovery, I kind of hopped to mingling with guys not too long after. No luck yet but I'm kind of finding a pattern in both my past and current interactions with guys and I feel like I have this weird sign on my forehead or something that says I can only be a...

(Like how I'm in space?!?!?! HAHAHA I'm sorry I forgot how fun this editor is...anyways..)

But yeah I dunno if anyone out there is having this issue or if it's a gender thing or a generation thing but a lot of guys I'm interested in either see me as this girl they wanna only want to sleep with or this girl they want to only be buddies with. It's weird because I use to just only get put into the friendzone; I was practically queen of the place. One of my male best friends even had to explain to me that some girls just give off different vibes when you meet them and that I've always just had a "friend vibe". As I grew older with that in mind and tried to experiment with my image whole I started going out more and becoming more independent, I began experience a lot more of guys wanting to only have constant sex with me. Now, I'm not talking about the cliche guy from the bar hitting on you all night for a one night stand scenario, I'm talking about guys actually getting to know me by talking for weeks and we'd go through that crush phase then all of a sudden they'd just only talk about sex with me. Is this normal now? Am I the weird one? 

So I thought about it for awhile.What was I doing that gave these signals saying "I'm not the girlfriend type"?And I realized... is it because I'm comfortable talking about sex? Now I'm not the kind of girl that brags about her dirty history to everyone but I'm not afraid to talk about the subject openly either. Why should I be? For the record, this isn't the only thing I talk about when talking to anyone. I talk about food and geeky shit and tell stories but it's just once we get on this subject it either goes to one or the other of these directions. Girls have sex and, surprise, enjoy it and crave it too....a lot. Just as much as society assumes men do sometimes. There's nothing wrong with that. Just because a girl can talk about sex without feeling ashamed about it, doesn't mean she's a nymphomaniac without any standards. Ladies, please don't be embarrassed of your sexuality and please don't ever be embarrassed if you choose to practice abstinence either. Sex is something sacred but it's okay to express your thoughts and opinions on it naturally as well.

But maybe that's not even the case for anyone or me. It was really the only connection I could make. What do I do if that was the case anyway? Stop talking about it? Just accept my fate as being a friend with or without benefits? I actually really don't have a solution this time..I think it's all just a part of this strange time of self discovery in life right now. Maybe you all can a better scope about me than I do? Share opinions or experiences and comment below! Or if you happen to kneel what Sex in the City episode this is similar to, lemme know! 

Thanks for reading & staying your amazing selves!