Cosplay Confession Bear.

Heyyy y'all heyyyy!

Haha I have like 7 drafts that all start out with "I'm so sorry I haven't posted! Things have become so hectic keeping up with work and school" because..well..it's all true! But I think about what to blog about all the time so please don't think I've forgotten about you! If I weren't so swamped with art projects, papers, and working I would write more so please be patient with my posts.

Well, what I wanted to talk about today is something really personal and a little bit more serious than how I usually write I guess. If you don't remember in my previous post about Anime Expo, I like to cosplay. I've been doing it ever since I was in middle school and still have a lot improve on as a cosplayer. The next upcoming con in Southern California is Stan Lee's Comikaze and so I was really eager to dive into my next project. After the ritual of character hopping, I finally settled on two choices: Miss America Chavez of the current comic book series, Young Avengers or a USO girl from the Captain America movie.
I really wanted to cosplay Miss America the moment I bought my Young Avenger's issue #1. I remember staring at my Bryan Lee O'Malley variant cover and saying "I hope she's cool because I'd cosplay her!" And to no surprise, Miss America is one fucking badass. I actually feel like she stands for a lot of attributes that are lacking in heroines in American comics. Not only is she one of the few female heroes that isn't in a tight bodysuit  or an un-realistic, over-exposed outfit, but she is also one of the few super heroes of Hispanic decent. She has a tough exterior and a fuck-you attitude; what's not to admire about that? Plus, Young Avengers is really good series! I'm still in the middle of reading at the moment and ideally, this cosplay is a lot easier and less costly on time and money.

A USO girl is not one specific character but it's basically the dancer outfit during the traveling Captain America shows in the movie. The costume is shown above behind Chris Evans. I thought they were so cute when I first saw it in theaters and I love doing pin-up hair! Although this cosplay would have less pieces, it's pretty difficulty to make and would actually need help from my friend to make the skirt but still really cute nonetheless.

Okay, even after describing both those choices I think it's pretty clear that Miss America sounds like the better option especially with my busy schedule. But for some reason, I felt really uncomfortable that it's not a very feminine/revealing cosplay...The friend I'm going is also going to be cosplaying as Psylocke from X-Men (X-Force) and that made me feel really weird. I started debating with myself, saying "okay, if you go as Miss America, you're not gonna get as many pictures but that's okay". Then, suddenly, I just started crying... Flashbacks of my early years of cosplaying and I remember feeling so insecure and hated myself so harshly. It was a bit intense.

There are probably a good amount of articles out there about cosplay struggles because it's a hobby where someone is going to put you down for anything about you or your costume. "Too fat", "too slutty", "too dark skinned", "not even accurate", "too old" "too ugly", and the list goes on and on. I'm pretty lucky that it's been a long time since I've gotten a rude comment told to my face. I can't speak for everyone but what actually use to hurt a lot when I was younger was just that I felt like there was an unspoken competition to get the most pictures. Obviously, the better your cosplay is, the more pictures you're going to get. I hated that I put in so much time and hard work into my costumes but my friends that could pull off the skimpier cosplays got bucketloads more praise than I ever did. It sounds completely stupid. Even just writing it out feels stupid because I feel like i'm just whining over not getting enough attention but I never realized how much it actually influences me. I felt like I wasn't good enough for this group where I felt the most accepted in and that I never was going to be. What sucks even more is that no one's at fault here. It's not my friends' fault for picking those characters, they should cosplay whoever they want and show off what they got. It's not other con-goers fault for admiring, you can't just come in like a wrecking ball and force people to like you. That's just how things are.

I started feeling even worse because I felt like it was all in my head. So, I started texting one of my best friends for some support. He said that my feelings were completely understandable but also made me realize that a big part of cosplay is "pandering to the male ego". We don't want to accept it because we like to believe that we've progressed so much since the days of women being property, and we have, but there's still a lot of work to be done. Shortly after, he add that even though things are that way, it shouldn't stop me. Things can't be changed over night but he was right and I shouldn't be buying into that mainstream-patriarchy-perfectionist bullshit if I don't want to. You won't always fit into what everyone finds ideal but you have control of how you feel and what you think of yourself. You even have the control to change that parts you don't like about you.The reason why cosplayers cosplay is because you get to be whoever you want to be and that's what makes it fun. I came a long way in confidence level since those early years and it'd be a shame for me to ruin all of that just because silly comparisons. This is what should be motivating me to do better!

So with that said, I chose Miss America and have finally got all my supplies to make it. I'm also really just trying to do well in anything that I want to succeed in and change things that I'm not happy about. I hope that if anyone else in the cosplay community or any cons feels a bit less stressed after reading this because for every one person hating on your costume, there are proudly thrice as much loving it! Including me! By Saturday I shall be ready so look out for me Comikaze!!!

Finders, Keepers, Losers, Weepers.

Hello everyone. I'm writing this one on the way back from my trip up to Merced in a train and trying not to die from motion sickness as I do. I love you all so much though I know I just need to post something up for the week!

Traveling is so fun and this was just what I needed I think after one draining, exhausting week. Not only did I work consecutively for a week straight until this past Friday, but a lot of people I kept close to my heart had to shove in my face that they don't want to be a part of my life anymore. I know they say people come and go in your life but I genuinely was expecting these certain friendships to actually last forever. They all left for their own different reasons but it all still hurt very deeply. The ironic part of it all is that many of other close family and friends have told me to detach myself from these people many times before too. I stayed regardless because I just never believed in walking out of people's lives when you love them especially when they need you the most.


(Talk shit all you want on Miley, I'm indifferent to her but you know this line got you...anyways...)

I'm still trying to let go of everything but it's a very difficult process where only time can tell when you're better. I mean I always believed that when there is love, you do not give up and that goes for any kind of relationship even these friendships. We have to understand though that love is need to happen from two people in order to work.

Although these people and I have a lot of good memories together it is time to move on. The great, Bob Marley once said, "everyone is going to hurt you, you just have to figure out who is worth suffering for".
It's all a learning process really. You see, we're human. Our actions cause pain sometimes, whether it's unintentional or not. Pain is what helps up become better people though. How do you expect to grow if you don't go through struggle first? I think I realized with these relationships, we weren't helping each other...I mean I thought we were and I tried I would like to say but we really weren't. We were just people hurting each other.

What bothers me the most is that they walked out on me because I was causing them pain and I really didn't even know it. From my perspective, I feel like I woke up one day and couldn't find these people anymore. Well, one of them did tell me why and even though I can understand where they're coming from, it still feels all unfair in the end. You feel like whatever reason they have for leaving wouldn't compare to the lists of reasons you've held back on to leave them, yet you stayed. You understood that humans make mistakes and they can be forgiven as many times as you want. I just wish that mine would have been forgiven too on the same understanding that I'm flawed and there's more fucking up to  come in my life. It's important to remember, however, there are people who will put up with your imperfections, forgive you countlessly, and never give up on trying to help you grow. These people are keepers. They aren't perfect either but they sure as hell are the ones worth holding on to in your life. Then there are those people that treated you as an inconvenience in their life and left, they are losers. They lost you. My best friend Ally once told me that you have to remember that these people are losing something in their life when they left because you are fucking unique and amazing and there's no way they can replace someone like you in their lives and the same goes for you. Their time on your journey may be over for now and it's life or God or the Great Cosmic Owl or whatever you believe in taking out some of the things causing you pain so you can now push yourself to become a better person than you were before. This is all really important to remember because sometimes when people don't, they lose themselves and that's a hell that hard to break away from.

So please do not give up on yourself either! You have the power to let go of those who've done you dirty too and you can even be stronger by forgiving them. I know it's definitely harder than it sounds but it's not impossible. It's the best you can do for yourself too. You have so much to be proud of and so much potentional to find your happiness so keep chasing your dreams, be thankful for the people and things in your life, and work hard to inspire those losers and prove them wrong at the time. Be sad for a bit but don't stop having fun, and, of course, smile! Because you deserve to.

Let go, Be happy.

Here's a page from The Art of Letting Go to end this post. YAAH END READING WITH MORE READING. 

Limited 2.

Oh my poor neglected readers, how I've missed you so. I don't have any updates on my laptop charger so please bare with me popping out posts randomly for now. I have like 3 drafts on other blog topics  like going to protests, cosplay controversies, and those darn con reviews that don't seem to be happening....but yeah all that's going on in my drive but today I thought I'd just actually blog about how I'm doing instead. Hope I won't be a bore to you all!

Today was actually calm and relaxing (which is how I'm having time to write this) but as I was being very lazy I got into some pretty Carrie Bradshaw kind of thinking....

So if you couldn't figure out from my last post, I ended my "non-official-yet-pretty-intimate kind" of relationship recently and it's been a couple of weeks since the legitimate "break up". I feel pretty okay as of now. In efforts to try to speed up the recovery, I kind of hopped to mingling with guys not too long after. No luck yet but I'm kind of finding a pattern in both my past and current interactions with guys and I feel like I have this weird sign on my forehead or something that says I can only be a...

(Like how I'm in space?!?!?! HAHAHA I'm sorry I forgot how fun this editor is...anyways..)

But yeah I dunno if anyone out there is having this issue or if it's a gender thing or a generation thing but a lot of guys I'm interested in either see me as this girl they wanna only want to sleep with or this girl they want to only be buddies with. It's weird because I use to just only get put into the friendzone; I was practically queen of the place. One of my male best friends even had to explain to me that some girls just give off different vibes when you meet them and that I've always just had a "friend vibe". As I grew older with that in mind and tried to experiment with my image whole I started going out more and becoming more independent, I began experience a lot more of guys wanting to only have constant sex with me. Now, I'm not talking about the cliche guy from the bar hitting on you all night for a one night stand scenario, I'm talking about guys actually getting to know me by talking for weeks and we'd go through that crush phase then all of a sudden they'd just only talk about sex with me. Is this normal now? Am I the weird one? 

So I thought about it for awhile.What was I doing that gave these signals saying "I'm not the girlfriend type"?And I realized... is it because I'm comfortable talking about sex? Now I'm not the kind of girl that brags about her dirty history to everyone but I'm not afraid to talk about the subject openly either. Why should I be? For the record, this isn't the only thing I talk about when talking to anyone. I talk about food and geeky shit and tell stories but it's just once we get on this subject it either goes to one or the other of these directions. Girls have sex and, surprise, enjoy it and crave it too....a lot. Just as much as society assumes men do sometimes. There's nothing wrong with that. Just because a girl can talk about sex without feeling ashamed about it, doesn't mean she's a nymphomaniac without any standards. Ladies, please don't be embarrassed of your sexuality and please don't ever be embarrassed if you choose to practice abstinence either. Sex is something sacred but it's okay to express your thoughts and opinions on it naturally as well.

But maybe that's not even the case for anyone or me. It was really the only connection I could make. What do I do if that was the case anyway? Stop talking about it? Just accept my fate as being a friend with or without benefits? I actually really don't have a solution this time..I think it's all just a part of this strange time of self discovery in life right now. Maybe you all can a better scope about me than I do? Share opinions or experiences and comment below! Or if you happen to kneel what Sex in the City episode this is similar to, lemme know! 

Thanks for reading & staying your amazing selves! 

Ut Libre Avem.

"as free as a bird" 

Happy Hump Day, y'all!! Hahaha This week's been both peaceful yet chaotic for me. I feel like I'm actually making progress fixing up my room yet I'm dealing with a lot of siblings drama on the side but everything's pretty okay as of right now. So, last last Sunday I got a tattoo! It's my third tattoo and it's was actually finishing up a piece I've had in my head since about 2 years ago.

I originally got my little bird when I was 19 years old and now at 22 I completed whole shebang by adding the bird cage. Whenever people ask me, "what does it mean?" I usually just answer freedom because I'm a very lazy person but I will tell you how in depth this tattoo means to me, my dear readers. 

I wanted a bird in flight after breaking out of its cage. It isn't the typical bird flying out of one tattoo. There's not doors open, this bird fought to get out of this pretty cage. It lost blood and feathers to fly away, powered through the pain to be free.

 That's what life is about for me. I realized at a really young age freedom is what will make me fully happy. When I first thought of the tattoo, I felt like I was constricted by my past of a very chaotic family history and bonded by a lot of expectations and responsibilities by other people. People expected me to be this cute, shy little innocent girl, to take care of them, to be obedient, to try harder, etc. I'm sure everyone's been in that position before and you just kind of go with everyone's flow at the time because you don't really know who you are yet. Let's be honest, I feel that way right now too. 

And that's why I got it for times like that. When I look down and see my bird it reminds me that my actions are my choice. People will want me to do this or not, but at the end of the day, I'm the only one accountable for me and I'm the only one controlling my life. When I see the cage part it reminds me of what I had to do to get to where I am and what I do not want to go through again or become. That's my freedom for now; knowing that I am making decisions for me and being confident that following my heart will lead me the right way. 

WOW, how cheesy was this post?! HAHA but then again, a lot of my other post were probably just as cheesy. There you go, that's the hidden meaning behind one of my tattoos. I have another one on my back and plan to get more. I feel like a lot of tattoos gotta have these big cheeseball meanings to a person though because that's what makes them important enough to needle ink into your skin forever. Clearly, a lot of people don't have that logic but that's what I believe in. The best part about tattoos are the stories behind them after all. If you have one, please share OR if you're planning to get one share! OR if you're planning to get one and live in Southern California near Los Angeles, tell me! My tattoo artist is my cousin and can hook you up! If you have an instagram, check him out at @jpillosartsb! YAY unplanned promoting all of a sudden so I dunno how to end this smoothly! YAY!

Does Anyone Remember Shawn and Angela?

Hiii guysss! Sorry for such a long delay on the blog post, a lot has been going on in my life. Cons, work, and just drama everywhere it seems; not only that but I also seem to have lost the charger for my laptop. Everything SUCKS! Haha, just kidding, we’ll all float on eh. I have a lot of ideas to come. Definitely some reviews of my cons but for now I’m watching one of my favorited TV series in my whole life and I couldn't be more inspired. Shout out to all 90s kids, Boy Meets World is what really prepared me for life. This 7-year running sitcom was basically about the life of the our lovable hero, Cory Matthews, as he encounters the everyday struggles of school, family, girls, and just life in general. There’s no real plot twist for this oldie; no magical powers or unique, unaverage setting but I think that’s what made the show brilliant. It had the great plot twist of the normal, nice guy finally finishing first.

Now the main pairing of this series is Cory and his true love, Topanga. A lot of the show is about how these two met each other in kindergarten and became soul mates who conquer every obstacle that their love is thrown into. As admirable and inspirational as Cory and Topanga’s prevailing love was, I feel like we all focused on them too much and completely undermined a  more relatable couple: Shawn and Angela. Shawn is Cory’s best friend who couldn't be any more opposite to him. He was lost soul who grew up in a trailer park and had a playboy reputation. During their high school seasons, Shawn dated a strong minded, social yet distant girl named Angela who he grew more in love with throughout the series and she as well. This is one of the most underrated couples in all of the memorable 90s shippings of all nostalgic land.

I may be biased because I feel a bit closer to this OTP than Cory and Topanga but as I’ve talked to many classmates, friends, and co-workers I’m finding that there are so many people in this situation nowadays. Shawn and Angela were in love, soulmates even; however, they hardly are actually in an official relationship throughout the show. They were both afraid of love. Aren’t we all?  the thought of hurting one another or being hurt by the other is a very terrifying idea.

Now I’m pretty sure everyone goes through something like this. A phase with someone where you and he/she are together but not together. You feel like your bond is stronger than anyone you know but none of you will admit you care more than “just a friend”. I definitely know that feel, bro.

It’s no one’s fault in these kind of situations (even if one of you fits the definitions of an asshole more). It’s just a matter of someone or both not knowing what you want so you either want to have everything or you don’t fully want anything. There’s plenty of time to figure out what you want, but I think the thing people need to realize is that people get hurt when they’re involved in your search for what you want. They may think they’re not good enough or they might think they’re only good enough for this kind of relationship or some kind of other pessimistic bullshit about themselves and the world & that bullshit you’re head makes up just simply isn’t true.

Near the end of the series, Shawn and Angela actually do end up together but Angela decides to go to Africa with her father while Shawn stays behind although he wanted to marry her and keep her with him. After that we never really hear from them again but most assume they get married when she returns. This ending is genius because it shows that every kind of this romance is different, some end up together and some don’t. Although whether it does or not, it shows that both should be able to be okay without each other. Happiness should not have to be dependent on someone else, you should be able to find it within yourself first then if you happen to find someone to share it then that’s cool too.

I hope this post helped you out somehow. It definitely made me realize I should be taking my own advice more, haha!

#DoingItRight: Anime Expo

Happy Thursday everyone! Or “Friday” to some of you since there’s not summer classes or maybe no work for some of you? Either way, hope today’s a good one. It's sad how much hashtags influence but I couldn't think of an even more fitting title.

Since it’s about less than a week left until Anime Expo 2013, I thought I’d let you all in on things I’ve learned over the years so any of those of you going can ensure yourself a fun time! I’ve been attending Anime Expo since I was 11 years old and have been cosplaying since then as well (my skill level totally doesn’t show it though).. Conventions are honeslty like Disneyland, you’re not gonna be able to do everything in one day. So most of this advice will mainly apply to those staying for all 4 days rather than people just going for one. However, I’m sure you one or two day attendees will still have a blast because Anime Expo is truely a really fun con!

            

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

• Set a spending limit. Once you’ve pick out your limit, divide it into the number of days you’re going and ONLY take out that much each day. (e.g. your limit is 275 & you’re going 4 days so put only about $65-$70 in your wallet each day)

• Pick only rares, forget the commons. (Magic pun anyone?) if you’ve never seen it in your life or the internet then buy it!...or take the business card.

• DO NOT EVER BUY CONVENTION FOOD. EVER. It’s a rip off. Brown bag your lunches, dinner, or food truck if you feel it’s special enough. (There is also a McDonald’s, Ralphs, & other local food places near the LA convention center that better choices. Little Tokyo is also slightly nearby as well).

• Choose your team wisely. I’m sure your friends are cool but seriously pick people who have the same expectations for the con as you do to avoid con-drama, but unfortunately, sometimes it’s inevitably. Also, BUDDY SYSTEM THIS WEEKEND.

• Be courteous to your fellow nerds. Ask before taking pictures, don’t make fun of anyone in or out of cosplay, and remember that you don’t have to prove your devotion to any fandom. Seriously, I see these events as “hey, you like anime/comic books/video games/etc.? me too, let’s be friends”. Con Courtesy can honestly be another blogpost but these are the basics for now. Hell, just don’t be an asshole in general is good.

• Talk to everyone. Be friendly and converse with everyone and anyone. You will probably meet a handful of people who love something as much as you do and more friends, the better. This is how you find out what else you can do at the con you didn’t know of like hotel room parties and what better way to network than with people who kind of get you? Maybe even CON LOVE ;D

• Carry a repair kit. If  you’re cosplaying make yourself a mini kit containing a ton of safety pins, fabric glue, bobby pins, and whatever make up you need; while also keeping needle & thread and maybe extra fabric in your hotel room.  For non-cosplayers, bring your camera & BRING YOUR PHONE CHARGER. there’s outlets everywhere!

• Bring your own of everything. This is more so for if you’re in a hotel: bring your own shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, soap, towel, blankets, snacks, water, etc. The hotel will run out of what you need. I also suggest bringing a portable stove (if you have a fridge in your hotel). It not only gives you more choices than just chips and sweets all day to eat but it’s super fun making breakfast and late-night dinners with your roomies. ALSO! bring a laptop, there’s free wifi in the J.W. Marriot lobby or the Starbucks inside the plaza. It’ll help, trust.

• If you’re old enough to drink, drink....let’s be honest. this just applies to life sometimes. AX got ten times funner once I drank responsibly during and after it.

• Be safe & be you. Don’t do things you wouldn’t normally do just because you’re at AX. There’s so many people I know that like wait until this time of the year to unleash their surpressed crazy. I get it, you found your people. You don’t have to do anything to impress anyone, fit in, or get laid. Please think. 

     

Anime Expo TooDooo’s

Obviously there’s the galore of cosplayers and merchandise to AX but what else is there to do inbetween?

• Gatherings!  Wanna see people act out your favorite series for pictures? Find out when and where cosplayers of (a) certain series meet up: http://www.cosplay.com/showthread.php?t=313579

• Kareoke Room! I’m kind of shy and I love going to the kareoke room with my friends! These are the only times you’re going to be able to sing with all your friends on stage to “Sakura Kiss” or whatever your favorite theme song is at the moment so take it! (Don’t worry, they have lyrics there for you & people will clap no matter what!) This is also usually in the Westin Hotel, which is kind of a walk from the convention center but this and all the other activity rooms are usually over here.

• Walk around Exhibit Hall for freebies! YES, FREE SHIT. There’s not that many but if i’m not mistaken, Hi-Chew, Viz, Funimation, The Prinny (blue penguin) booth, and other big named companies give away small free things. AND! certain manga/wig booth will also allow you to work at their booth in exchange for either merchandise or something of equivalent value so keep your eyes open for that. & try on  NEKO-MIMI’s while you’re at it.

• Maid Cafe! AX’s maid cafe has always gotten mixed reviews but they’re under new management this year & seeing the previews of the upcoming shows from a very reliable source, IT SO KAWAIIINGLY FUN! You get a free swag bag & get to play with a fun and hilarious bunch! Unfortunately their after dark shows are sold out but there’s still tickets available. Just hit them up on facebook for more information: https://www.facebook.com/AXMaidCafe?fref=ts

• Explore at night. This and most other cons are completely different at night time. whether you’re binging on free alcohol in a hotel room party or raving at the AX dance. Hell, L.A. in general is a different kind of fun at night too but bring a friend and stay safe!

• Explore your Hotel. Swim in your hotel pool. You paid the money, it’s hot. Why not? (For those going on the first day this year, July 4th, go to the top of the J.W. Marriot or Ritz Carlton to watch fireworks!

• Watch one of the shows. I favor more towards the AMV one or the Masquerade. Even if it sucks, you’ll have fun laughing along with your friends....but DO NOT pay for a show unless it’s a concert you want to go to.

          

Well, I believe I overwhelmed you with enough Anime Expo knowledge. My suggestions may not work out for everyone but I hope this was helpful for you first-timers and gave new ideas for your veterans. I mean, I have fun at AX and I just want you to too! What are your con rituals? What are you looking forward to at this year’s Anime Expo? Are you cosplay? Feel free to comment below! My last tips for you lovely people are to: stay kawaii, don’t be creepy, and have fun always! :D

Thanks for reading!

Trust Me, You're Fine.

Finally back to actual blogging, yaaaay! hahaha

This blog was merely created for me to express myself and hope that my voice reaches out to those who feel the same and spark thoughts to those who think completely differently as well. At the end of the day though, it’s just me derpin’ around on the internet :D

Recently, I had an interesting talk with a person I don’t usually talk to and I kind of had a mini epiphany. And to think, it all started with some good o’l vagina talk. HAHAHA~*~ Well I was telling him how I actually find them really weird and it creeps me out and my friend just responded with some words of wisdom from the great Oscar Wilde: “Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood”. He later explained how that helps with girl problems and he’s just accepted that he understands that he doesn’t understand them.

That right there, had me. It was just something I needed to hear in my life right now. Being in this weird stage of getting our own lives together, everyone else has so many questions and stressors for us. What do you want to do in the fututre? When are you gonna do this? Where did it all go wrong? Why am I not good enough? What do I do? etc. We don’t always have the answers and maybe there just isn’t a right answer. & that’s is perfectly okay. I think it’s important to keep that in mind. So you don’t have your shit together? It’s cool, take your time. If you plan on living long like me, you got plenty of time. I think it's super helpful to do nothing sometimes; you need that for your sanity. It's also really helpful to talk to people you don't normally talk to, you get a new perspective on things (although they may not always be right) like how I did. Well, anyway, to end this with another quote from another handsomely intelligent man, Austin Carlile, I’ll leave you with this: “life is hard, but that’s the beauty of it”.

Good luck to all your endeavors, guys.

Angi Bitao.