Saying "No" To 2014

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!

(image from pusheen.tumblr.com)

I'm technically 9 days late but hope everyone's year is going good so far. Mine's a bit... all over the place at the moment? When is it usually not though? A very dear uncle of mine passed away recently, school started, and the post-holiday calm is starting to kick in at work. I've been anticipating to write though! I know I always say it but I really hope to write more consistently now; especially since I re-design my page's entire layout! I hope you all like it c: New Years Eve use to be one of my favorite holidays because I felt like it was a big 'ol restart button on life. You dress up fancy, stay up all night with all your loved ones, and at midnight you kiss away the memories of the past year and regain this sense of empowerment to completely change your life for the next! Well, sadly, the magic of New Years doesn't last that long. The past can't go away and the drive for change disappears shortly after. The good part is you can actually change whenever you want. So, like the many blog articles out there, what's my New Year's resolution? It may sound really odd and negative but I'm actually trying to say "no" more. Hear me out. See, I usually get a really intense need to change into my idealized version of my future self which usually translates to trying to be at every social event possible, starting a new diet, changing my appearance somehow, etc. and expect this new year to become this exciting, adventurous montage of nothing but me being skinny and partying hard while passing school and somehow always having money for anything. But by trying to accomplish everything, I get practically nothing I truly wanted accomplished and lose interest. It took me 'til this year to finally reconsider my methods. Instead of my usual carpe diem mantra and say "yes" to every opportunity in life, I'd like to try to say "no" to things that aren't necessarily needed for my happiness like going out all the time or shopping to feel better. I wanna stay home more and use my time and money productively like writing on here more or work on my home and art and actually have a constant amount in my savings. Sure, I still plan to keep in touch with my friends but I'd rather visit them at home or invite them to mine. I want to de-clutter my life of things and habits that are old and worn out because it's really the simple bare minimums of secure, content survival that make me happy. (Rule #37! Zombieland, duh!) This isn't technically a "new me" but just a new way of how I see everything and I'm actually comfortably fine with almost everything in my life. Although there's still a lot of chaos still and I'm definitely not perfect, I don't have that strong drive to drastically change myself to perfection. I know I'm growing constantly and I'm very happy with where I am and the path I'm going. I mean 2013 was a really different year for me, too. When it ended, I already felt like my life (along with myself) drastically changed because it's definitely not like before (as mentioned in previous posts). With all the struggles from last year, I've found value and acceptance in who I am and from doing that first, I already am gradually turning into the kind of person I want to be. So, I'm taking a very different approach to 2014. I'm saying "no" to the cliche change and seizing every New Years hype in order to actually make time for myself to change and save money for bigger moments to grasp. (Haha, see what I did there?) I expect a very lame, minimalist year for me and I'm pretty excited for it!

Finders, Keepers, Losers, Weepers.

Hello everyone. I'm writing this one on the way back from my trip up to Merced in a train and trying not to die from motion sickness as I do. I love you all so much though I know I just need to post something up for the week!

Traveling is so fun and this was just what I needed I think after one draining, exhausting week. Not only did I work consecutively for a week straight until this past Friday, but a lot of people I kept close to my heart had to shove in my face that they don't want to be a part of my life anymore. I know they say people come and go in your life but I genuinely was expecting these certain friendships to actually last forever. They all left for their own different reasons but it all still hurt very deeply. The ironic part of it all is that many of other close family and friends have told me to detach myself from these people many times before too. I stayed regardless because I just never believed in walking out of people's lives when you love them especially when they need you the most.


(Talk shit all you want on Miley, I'm indifferent to her but you know this line got you...anyways...)

I'm still trying to let go of everything but it's a very difficult process where only time can tell when you're better. I mean I always believed that when there is love, you do not give up and that goes for any kind of relationship even these friendships. We have to understand though that love is need to happen from two people in order to work.

Although these people and I have a lot of good memories together it is time to move on. The great, Bob Marley once said, "everyone is going to hurt you, you just have to figure out who is worth suffering for".
It's all a learning process really. You see, we're human. Our actions cause pain sometimes, whether it's unintentional or not. Pain is what helps up become better people though. How do you expect to grow if you don't go through struggle first? I think I realized with these relationships, we weren't helping each other...I mean I thought we were and I tried I would like to say but we really weren't. We were just people hurting each other.

What bothers me the most is that they walked out on me because I was causing them pain and I really didn't even know it. From my perspective, I feel like I woke up one day and couldn't find these people anymore. Well, one of them did tell me why and even though I can understand where they're coming from, it still feels all unfair in the end. You feel like whatever reason they have for leaving wouldn't compare to the lists of reasons you've held back on to leave them, yet you stayed. You understood that humans make mistakes and they can be forgiven as many times as you want. I just wish that mine would have been forgiven too on the same understanding that I'm flawed and there's more fucking up to  come in my life. It's important to remember, however, there are people who will put up with your imperfections, forgive you countlessly, and never give up on trying to help you grow. These people are keepers. They aren't perfect either but they sure as hell are the ones worth holding on to in your life. Then there are those people that treated you as an inconvenience in their life and left, they are losers. They lost you. My best friend Ally once told me that you have to remember that these people are losing something in their life when they left because you are fucking unique and amazing and there's no way they can replace someone like you in their lives and the same goes for you. Their time on your journey may be over for now and it's life or God or the Great Cosmic Owl or whatever you believe in taking out some of the things causing you pain so you can now push yourself to become a better person than you were before. This is all really important to remember because sometimes when people don't, they lose themselves and that's a hell that hard to break away from.

So please do not give up on yourself either! You have the power to let go of those who've done you dirty too and you can even be stronger by forgiving them. I know it's definitely harder than it sounds but it's not impossible. It's the best you can do for yourself too. You have so much to be proud of and so much potentional to find your happiness so keep chasing your dreams, be thankful for the people and things in your life, and work hard to inspire those losers and prove them wrong at the time. Be sad for a bit but don't stop having fun, and, of course, smile! Because you deserve to.

Let go, Be happy.

Here's a page from The Art of Letting Go to end this post. YAAH END READING WITH MORE READING. 

Ut Libre Avem.

"as free as a bird" 

Happy Hump Day, y'all!! Hahaha This week's been both peaceful yet chaotic for me. I feel like I'm actually making progress fixing up my room yet I'm dealing with a lot of siblings drama on the side but everything's pretty okay as of right now. So, last last Sunday I got a tattoo! It's my third tattoo and it's was actually finishing up a piece I've had in my head since about 2 years ago.

I originally got my little bird when I was 19 years old and now at 22 I completed whole shebang by adding the bird cage. Whenever people ask me, "what does it mean?" I usually just answer freedom because I'm a very lazy person but I will tell you how in depth this tattoo means to me, my dear readers. 

I wanted a bird in flight after breaking out of its cage. It isn't the typical bird flying out of one tattoo. There's not doors open, this bird fought to get out of this pretty cage. It lost blood and feathers to fly away, powered through the pain to be free.

 That's what life is about for me. I realized at a really young age freedom is what will make me fully happy. When I first thought of the tattoo, I felt like I was constricted by my past of a very chaotic family history and bonded by a lot of expectations and responsibilities by other people. People expected me to be this cute, shy little innocent girl, to take care of them, to be obedient, to try harder, etc. I'm sure everyone's been in that position before and you just kind of go with everyone's flow at the time because you don't really know who you are yet. Let's be honest, I feel that way right now too. 

And that's why I got it for times like that. When I look down and see my bird it reminds me that my actions are my choice. People will want me to do this or not, but at the end of the day, I'm the only one accountable for me and I'm the only one controlling my life. When I see the cage part it reminds me of what I had to do to get to where I am and what I do not want to go through again or become. That's my freedom for now; knowing that I am making decisions for me and being confident that following my heart will lead me the right way. 

WOW, how cheesy was this post?! HAHA but then again, a lot of my other post were probably just as cheesy. There you go, that's the hidden meaning behind one of my tattoos. I have another one on my back and plan to get more. I feel like a lot of tattoos gotta have these big cheeseball meanings to a person though because that's what makes them important enough to needle ink into your skin forever. Clearly, a lot of people don't have that logic but that's what I believe in. The best part about tattoos are the stories behind them after all. If you have one, please share OR if you're planning to get one share! OR if you're planning to get one and live in Southern California near Los Angeles, tell me! My tattoo artist is my cousin and can hook you up! If you have an instagram, check him out at @jpillosartsb! YAY unplanned promoting all of a sudden so I dunno how to end this smoothly! YAY!

Does Anyone Remember Shawn and Angela?

Hiii guysss! Sorry for such a long delay on the blog post, a lot has been going on in my life. Cons, work, and just drama everywhere it seems; not only that but I also seem to have lost the charger for my laptop. Everything SUCKS! Haha, just kidding, we’ll all float on eh. I have a lot of ideas to come. Definitely some reviews of my cons but for now I’m watching one of my favorited TV series in my whole life and I couldn't be more inspired. Shout out to all 90s kids, Boy Meets World is what really prepared me for life. This 7-year running sitcom was basically about the life of the our lovable hero, Cory Matthews, as he encounters the everyday struggles of school, family, girls, and just life in general. There’s no real plot twist for this oldie; no magical powers or unique, unaverage setting but I think that’s what made the show brilliant. It had the great plot twist of the normal, nice guy finally finishing first.

Now the main pairing of this series is Cory and his true love, Topanga. A lot of the show is about how these two met each other in kindergarten and became soul mates who conquer every obstacle that their love is thrown into. As admirable and inspirational as Cory and Topanga’s prevailing love was, I feel like we all focused on them too much and completely undermined a  more relatable couple: Shawn and Angela. Shawn is Cory’s best friend who couldn't be any more opposite to him. He was lost soul who grew up in a trailer park and had a playboy reputation. During their high school seasons, Shawn dated a strong minded, social yet distant girl named Angela who he grew more in love with throughout the series and she as well. This is one of the most underrated couples in all of the memorable 90s shippings of all nostalgic land.

I may be biased because I feel a bit closer to this OTP than Cory and Topanga but as I’ve talked to many classmates, friends, and co-workers I’m finding that there are so many people in this situation nowadays. Shawn and Angela were in love, soulmates even; however, they hardly are actually in an official relationship throughout the show. They were both afraid of love. Aren’t we all?  the thought of hurting one another or being hurt by the other is a very terrifying idea.

Now I’m pretty sure everyone goes through something like this. A phase with someone where you and he/she are together but not together. You feel like your bond is stronger than anyone you know but none of you will admit you care more than “just a friend”. I definitely know that feel, bro.

It’s no one’s fault in these kind of situations (even if one of you fits the definitions of an asshole more). It’s just a matter of someone or both not knowing what you want so you either want to have everything or you don’t fully want anything. There’s plenty of time to figure out what you want, but I think the thing people need to realize is that people get hurt when they’re involved in your search for what you want. They may think they’re not good enough or they might think they’re only good enough for this kind of relationship or some kind of other pessimistic bullshit about themselves and the world & that bullshit you’re head makes up just simply isn’t true.

Near the end of the series, Shawn and Angela actually do end up together but Angela decides to go to Africa with her father while Shawn stays behind although he wanted to marry her and keep her with him. After that we never really hear from them again but most assume they get married when she returns. This ending is genius because it shows that every kind of this romance is different, some end up together and some don’t. Although whether it does or not, it shows that both should be able to be okay without each other. Happiness should not have to be dependent on someone else, you should be able to find it within yourself first then if you happen to find someone to share it then that’s cool too.

I hope this post helped you out somehow. It definitely made me realize I should be taking my own advice more, haha!