Haha I have like 7 drafts that all start out with "I'm so sorry I haven't posted! Things have become so hectic keeping up with work and school" because..well..it's all true! But I think about what to blog about all the time so please don't think I've forgotten about you! If I weren't so swamped with art projects, papers, and working I would write more so please be patient with my posts.
Well, what I wanted to talk about today is something really personal and a little bit more serious than how I usually write I guess. If you don't remember in my previous post about Anime Expo, I like to cosplay. I've been doing it ever since I was in middle school and still have a lot improve on as a cosplayer. The next upcoming con in Southern California is Stan Lee's Comikaze and so I was really eager to dive into my next project. After the ritual of character hopping, I finally settled on two choices: Miss America Chavez of the current comic book series, Young Avengers or a USO girl from the Captain America movie.
I really wanted to cosplay Miss America the moment I bought my Young Avenger's issue #1. I remember staring at my Bryan Lee O'Malley variant cover and saying "I hope she's cool because I'd cosplay her!" And to no surprise, Miss America is one fucking badass. I actually feel like she stands for a lot of attributes that are lacking in heroines in American comics. Not only is she one of the few female heroes that isn't in a tight bodysuit or an un-realistic, over-exposed outfit, but she is also one of the few super heroes of Hispanic decent. She has a tough exterior and a fuck-you attitude; what's not to admire about that? Plus, Young Avengers is really good series! I'm still in the middle of reading at the moment and ideally, this cosplay is a lot easier and less costly on time and money.
A USO girl is not one specific character but it's basically the dancer outfit during the traveling Captain America shows in the movie. The costume is shown above behind Chris Evans. I thought they were so cute when I first saw it in theaters and I love doing pin-up hair! Although this cosplay would have less pieces, it's pretty difficulty to make and would actually need help from my friend to make the skirt but still really cute nonetheless.
Okay, even after describing both those choices I think it's pretty clear that Miss America sounds like the better option especially with my busy schedule. But for some reason, I felt really uncomfortable that it's not a very feminine/revealing cosplay...The friend I'm going is also going to be cosplaying as Psylocke from X-Men (X-Force) and that made me feel really weird. I started debating with myself, saying "okay, if you go as Miss America, you're not gonna get as many pictures but that's okay". Then, suddenly, I just started crying... Flashbacks of my early years of cosplaying and I remember feeling so insecure and hated myself so harshly. It was a bit intense.
There are probably a good amount of articles out there about cosplay struggles because it's a hobby where someone is going to put you down for anything about you or your costume. "Too fat", "too slutty", "too dark skinned", "not even accurate", "too old" "too ugly", and the list goes on and on. I'm pretty lucky that it's been a long time since I've gotten a rude comment told to my face. I can't speak for everyone but what actually use to hurt a lot when I was younger was just that I felt like there was an unspoken competition to get the most pictures. Obviously, the better your cosplay is, the more pictures you're going to get. I hated that I put in so much time and hard work into my costumes but my friends that could pull off the skimpier cosplays got bucketloads more praise than I ever did. It sounds completely stupid. Even just writing it out feels stupid because I feel like i'm just whining over not getting enough attention but I never realized how much it actually influences me. I felt like I wasn't good enough for this group where I felt the most accepted in and that I never was going to be. What sucks even more is that no one's at fault here. It's not my friends' fault for picking those characters, they should cosplay whoever they want and show off what they got. It's not other con-goers fault for admiring, you can't just come in like a wrecking ball and force people to like you. That's just how things are.
I started feeling even worse because I felt like it was all in my head. So, I started texting one of my best friends for some support. He said that my feelings were completely understandable but also made me realize that a big part of cosplay is "pandering to the male ego". We don't want to accept it because we like to believe that we've progressed so much since the days of women being property, and we have, but there's still a lot of work to be done. Shortly after, he add that even though things are that way, it shouldn't stop me. Things can't be changed over night but he was right and I shouldn't be buying into that mainstream-patriarchy-perfectionist bullshit if I don't want to. You won't always fit into what everyone finds ideal but you have control of how you feel and what you think of yourself. You even have the control to change that parts you don't like about you.The reason why cosplayers cosplay is because you get to be whoever you want to be and that's what makes it fun. I came a long way in confidence level since those early years and it'd be a shame for me to ruin all of that just because silly comparisons. This is what should be motivating me to do better!
So with that said, I chose Miss America and have finally got all my supplies to make it. I'm also really just trying to do well in anything that I want to succeed in and change things that I'm not happy about. I hope that if anyone else in the cosplay community or any cons feels a bit less stressed after reading this because for every one person hating on your costume, there are proudly thrice as much loving it! Including me! By Saturday I shall be ready so look out for me Comikaze!!!
